Being Healthy Is Exhausting

Day three here and going strong.  I rarely make it to day three…

Anyway, I’m pooped and my body is super confused.  Where’s the Tyson’s Buffalo Strips?  Where’s the Taco Bell?  Where’s the Reuben sandwiches?  WHERE’S THE FREAKING VODKA?

Not here, body.  But don’t worry; there’s still probably a glass or two of wine floating around in there waiting for it’s turn to be digested.

I’ve been eating incredibly clean.  So clean that I won’t make any “sneaky foods” like cauliflower tots or anything – just straight up salads, sandwiches, oatmeal, etc.  All squeaky clean.  So clean, in fact, that I’ve had sometimes large calorie deficits each day.  I haven’t gone over 1,200 yet.

Poor myfitnesspal thinks I’m going to starve.  I don’t think I’m in any danger of starving yet, a boy scout troup could eat for a week off this if we were in a plane crash over the Andes and I died and they all made a pact to stay alive no matter what.



Anyway, I’ve never bought into the whole “starvation mode” thing.  And I don’t plan to eat like this very long at all.  I’ve never quite trusted my calculated TDEE, even though when I repeatedly recalculate it, it always looks right.  Also, I added a HIIT cardio back into my life and that, along with heavy lifting, will stoke the fires – won’t be able to eat like this for long at all.

So far – in this WHOLE THREE DAYS – I’ve either lifted weights or done a HIIT cardio each day.  Not sure if I’ll be able to do anything tomorrow.

Anyway, I’m pooped.  I’m exhausted.  I was asleep by 11 last night, and meant to get up at 7 today but slept till 9 – and could have slept more.  Now it’s 9.30pm and it’s time for bed.

I know this is going to take a long time.  I hope I stick with it.

Love, me.

Ah, the Joy Of Allergies (and How I Avoided Junk Food Justification)

This is what I looked like when I woke up yesterday morning:  puffy

Doesn’t that look fun?  What you can’t really see is the hives all over my face.  SUPAH FUN.  Also, I woke up 5 lbs heavier yesterday than I did the day before.  Now, l know that’s not possible.  It takes about 3,500 calories to gain one pound of weight and while I did sort of blow out on chips and pasta salad Friday night, I did not consume 17,500 calories.

Water retention.  From allergies, from alcohol, from sodium…  God only knows.  But I looked ridiculous – have been waking up more and more swollen every day.  Hives on my face, nearly constant and sometimes painful ear pressure sensation, and snot running down the back of my throat.

So I got all that going for me too.

I immediately began guzzling water and cleaning tea, and vowed, no more shit food for a while.  I need to set the physical “reset” button.  No drinking through the week, no junk, low sodium (I have a thing for pickles with lots of salt.  I salt my salt), etc.

And then I decided to celebrate my new lifestyle with a trip to Chick-fil-e for a blowout.

Caught myself as I was standing in my driveway with my keys in my hand all ready to get a #2 with extra pickles and a large fry.

That’s not how this works.

How this works is calories in and calories out.  And at my age those need to be pretty useful calories.  I’ll be trying to figure out macros and micros etc as I have no fucking clue.  But I do know how to eat clean and how to not have my multiple vodka cocktails each night to get that nice mellow buzz on.

How am I going to do that every day?  I will use my greatest flaw.  My vanity.  Well, it’s one of my greatest flaws, after procrastination, a sloth-like laziness and self indulgence.

I accept that I am no longer young and cute, so I will be old and cute.  Long story short:


So.  Today is the first day of a new week.  Excellent night’s sleep, having a nice breakfast and guzzling cleansing tea, poured the vodka down the sink, and then the gym.

I can do this.  I quit smoking, I can do anything.

Love, me.  (I love me)


After I quit smoking I doubled down on the workouts.  And of course heavy lifting makes you hungry!  So I was feeding pretty regularly.  Then I got into the habit of forthmeal.

You know, that meal at 10.30 or so?  That was supposed to be just a snack but turned into a meal?  It can’t be just me…

Even though it was generally a healthy meal, it’s still three or four hundred calories I don’t need at a time I don’t need it.  Then I sprained my wrist and had to stop with the weights for a couple weeks, and on came seven or eight pounds.  

I started working out again but ate like a damned demon – and ate a good bit of junk, too.  Add a couple more pounds on.  I was literally eating when I KNEW I wasn’t hungry.  I don’t know why.

And now here I am.  I used to be such a nice clean eater.  Sigh.  Today is my fourth day of clean eating and no forthmeal and I feel like I’m starving.  I caved last night and went to make a pizza on a whole wheat pita and was only saved by the fact that my pitas were moldy, so I had a couple spoon fulls of light Kefir cheese.

Slowly slowly, we learn and grow every day – all you can do is walk away with the lessons learned and a new habit to form.  It will take a few weeks to get back into this habit and feel good for it – that’s the trick, I have to remember how damned GOOD I felt eating clean.

I’ve also tossed the Truvia (fake sugar) and bought some raw Stevia.  Little steps!

(I lost one pound, hahahaha)

Love, me.  

Puffy Old Drunk Is Not My Look

I’m back.  I need to start blogging again because, dammit, I like it and it’s good for me.

So, here’s the haps:  

  • Still a non-smoker.  Too weird, I could smoke a cigarette a mile long, right now, but I won’t.  
  • Gained a little over 10lbs.  
  • Still work out most weeks, lifting heavy a couple times a week, got nice definition in arms, legs, back.
  • I look 6 months pregnant, though.  And I seem to have gained weight in….  my neck?  
  • Still drinking alcohol – usually not too much.  Yet today my face just seems puffy.

This is not the face of optimal health:

Now, I’m no young thing anymore and that’s ok.  I’m…  how the fuck old am I, anyway?  46?  Something like that.  I’m incredibly proud of quitting smoking (NEVER thought that would happen), learning more about health and nutrition, and working out.  But I gots to gets this weight off me.

I weigh 162.4lbs as of this morning.  I’m only 5’3.  Yes, I have a LOT of muscle. But I’ve regained the belly I’d lost.  Time to get that mess off.

Bout to go to the gym.  No more 4th meal at night.  Easy/no booze.  And blog.

Love, me.  (love me)

The First Day of…. Everything.

It’s January 1, 2014.  A whole new year.  So, once again, I quit everything bad and began everything good.  I’m ready for a new life.  2013 was to be the year, but it didn’t stick – but I learned a lot.  I’ve gotten really good in the gym and I’m getting stronger every week.

THIS is the year.

Last night I smoked the last cigarette of my life – there it is, in the little red circle.  I’m coughing so much, I can’t wait to be a few weeks into this.






I haven’t drank (but may a little), I ate properly, cleaned, planned out what we will eat for the rest of the week, and shopped for it – WITH COUPONS AND REUSABLE BAGS!  Hahaha.  I ain’t playing around here.

What I couldn’t do was work out.  What the hell kind of gym closes on New Year’s day?  Was going to go for a run, but then realized how much I needed to do.  Ended up running around all day.

Poor Mike, he’s really struggling.


I weighed in at 149 this morning, and took my measurements (in inches):

bust     38.5
waist    31.5 (in) 33 (out)
hips     38 (in) 40 (out)
r thigh  23
l thigh  23.5
r calf   13.5
l calf    13.5
Really tired, but feeling good.  I hope I’m able to sleep tonight!



I haven’t posted in over a month!  What happened?  ALL KINDS OF STUFF.

I got busy with work, but still worked out.  Then I found out my job was saved and I was moved into a new role.  Then I read New Rules Of Weight Lifting for Women, realizing I don’t have the right equipment.

Then I didn’t work out for a week.  Then I had to go to Germany for two weeks.  No working out other than a good run, but my God I walked all over the place.  Crazy walking, stairs, went to France, etc.  Just got home on Friday night.

Now I’m back.  And I’m still not quite in the right time zone, so I’m getting up very early which is OK by me.  Need to do that anyway.

No idea what I weigh but I certainly didn’t gain with all the walking and stair climbing.  However, I haven’t lifted weights in something like three weeks.

Also got a nice bonus, most of which will just get tucked away.  However, I am either going to buy the equipment I need, or make sure my gym has what I need and perhaps get a session with a trainer to ensure I know how to use it.

And in just a bit here, the first serious workout in weeks! 

Oh yeah, have to stop smoking all over again tomorrow.  Asshole.

I Stink Like Farts And Have No Ice Cream.

While it makes for an interesting title, it’s very true.  For years now, I’ve been dying my light brown hair dark reddish brown.  Finally took it out tonight via a whole lot of stinky chemicals – really very sulfury fart smelling.  But the dark red brown is gone.


And I stink.  So I was thinking about looks, and hair, and muscles, and what the fuck it all means for a woman.  I’m not a youngy anymore and I’m really ok with that.  However, I think of myself in one way, then look in the mirror and don’t see it. 

As a odd as it may be, I am 110% comfortable with posting a picture online of myself with no makeup, no haircolor, bad lighting, and a hot-pink sweatshirt.   Of course, nobody knows nor cares who I am so that DOES make it easier.

I just think it’s interesting.  This is a really odd transformational path I’m on.  Still trying to formulate what it means.

Anyway.  Why is it my free day and there is no God Damned ice cream? 

All kids of other things.  But that’s it for now.

(Watch Suzanne run away and hide)

Welcome To The Gun Show

I posted this picture on Facebook and my daughter made me take it down immediately, because we aren’t the Kardashians.

Inspired by a “lift big” thread on a weight loss forum, wherein buff, toned and sexy chicks who lift hard posted their pictures when asked if they were “bulky”, I really lifted hard today.  And then, out of sheer curiosity, I checked out my back in the mirror.

Then I yelled “HOLY SHIT I HAVE MUSCLES” a whole bunch of times and ran around looking for a camera.  It’s not a great picture – you can’t see the definition very well – but it’s there, I promise.  I barely flexed and saw muscle everywhere.

I could totally beat somebody up.  I feel so super awesome!


RHR: Dead or Embalmed?

Surprised, and trying not to laugh.

Surprised, and trying not to laugh.


<—-  Yeah, I was just as surprised.

Trying to learn more about heart rate zones in fitness for maximum fat burning, and realized I needed to take my RHR (Resting Heart Rate) – so, I’ve taken it a couple times in a couple different ways, and it comes to pretty much the same each time – 56.

That’s 56.  FIFTY SIX.

Now, I didn’t think much of that until I went here, and read that this pretty much makes me an “elite athlete.”  Um.

So, either I’m more fit than I thought from working out sporadically over the last few years, or during the past decade of drinking, I’ve gone and embalmed myself.

And I’m really not sure which of the two scenarios is more likely.